{SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.}

Thursday, March 30, 2006

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.......studying really stupid thing...stupidest in the world lor....pls lor cannot bring the knowledge into the coffin or into heaven..what;s the use..even ite ppl oso can be entrepreneur and earn big bucks..then what's the use..stupid...ma always say i guai...but really....i've been studying for my parents' sake..subject combi and everything...school's choices all for you lor..then join co oso for you all.....so tt testimonial looks nicer....really dun wan my siblings to suffer lor..pls..like my sis pri5 learn cell structure and stuff ....really stupid...then evolution...form ppl who take grades like gods...know you or dun know you well oso ask you marks...then i tell you lor..tell you the grade and the exact mark......tell you everything.....stupid.....noe my grades then will complete your life is it....can't understand lor....

MOE....you are really stupid to join this line...yup just wanna say tt...you all are some pathetic ppl...cos so stressed up....poor things.....really...

4:14 AM;

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bleah...really unhappy these few days...really hate these days....alamak....think it may be my prob leh....mebbe i'm just too picky or xiao qi or whatever.....just cannot stand....then wn was telling me ppl will c...was thinking...i wanna let steam...c this then...liddat lor...

bleah...what are friends..asked my mum ytd..cos really angry ytd....feel like a slave, a maid..really stupid lor...then my mum said hv to ren...yar even if i hate to be a loner..nid ppl to pei me...so muz return favour by helping and ren-ing....but really cannot stnad sometimes...really feel lyk a maid....rmb "susie" said i always finding fault with ppl..then my own fault i dunnoe....i'm trying to change..but no one wants to tell me.....then regarding others...i just ....dunno what word to describe....as if i'm obliged to do sth for you since u're older or more domineering or sth...really dun understand whether i am too petty..but this isnt the first time...complained to like weemin, eve..so many ppl...really angry..the fire is burning even stronger now...my god.....reallly...aiyor...dunno what to say....just wanna fei xie by nagging and ai-yohing here and there...

act always wanted to be a clown...make ppl around me happy....cos i noe i won't hv happiness...so everyday so rarely put a black face..then at home, my family sees my bad temper and stuff.....but sometimes not tt i dun wanna tell close friends abt it..but cos i wanna ppl to be happy...dun wan them to be bothered abt the matter.....really can't stand it.....nearing Uni liao..really worried cannot click with ppl there....dunno i think i just really wierd...tt's y dun bother to think of the future...cos the present is already really too mind-boggling...ha then these few days.....toking abt prospective husbands...really funni..act....dream abt it but..dun wish to think of it in reality.....yar inferior lor..but i wanna me nun or sister......or be clown..continue to bring laughter around me...until i die.....dunno......really wanna beng qui liao..ren so long liao......

some friend "m" always say dun hv friend or sth....feel the same way....but the M says i got company...but sometimes feel like i'm maid..really....not myself.....like servant.....to wayening i feel okay doing it..but to the other...really sometimes..thinking of it really gek.....dunno lar.....always liddat criticixing ppl..myself lyk not anything better...act..wanna ask GOD or some ppl...whether i am problematic or is it others...wanna bird's eye view dun wan consolation....always feel so warm and stuff in RV, NJ..then in RJ....esp when not with class...so cold...so foreign...so eekkkk.....

dunno lar...really wanna end by saying i really angry....plus cos CO adds more prac!!! happiness mon and wed until 9..then thinking of adding sectionals on tue...then sat oso got..happinesss..then the kinda eyes they set on us....not as if we really anti.....like we spoil their music liddat..halLOOO...i joined co for fun..then....what am i doing here...stupid...stupid...bleah

3:56 AM;

Monday, February 13, 2006

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ha..got shock when got balloon tot someone giv to wn, xy or glen then conveiently put on my bag....only realised when met yanyuan tt jiahui giv me one...still bad mouthing the wierd things susie asking me...feel so bad...really stupid bringing the balloon around esp since me so ugly then as if got v day prez liddat..anyway improved in bridge ha..then that r-y-an still talked about the 2 hearts incident ...anyway njoyed real high....

anyway last sat...tot ah toh's son...pon co cos dun wanna go..and cos a little excited..anyway...started off with his callingme "teacher" real awkard...anyway flop cos i gave his 16pg homework...his mahts test had 2 difficult qn i din understand and don't know how 2 teach him cos i use algebra...anyway flop cos he saw my joking manner...flop cos my hp flew when i adjusted my sitting position...flop cos i was sianx like half an hr or so..flop cos i din speak english throughout...flop cos i couldn;t contain my happiness when she gave me $20 hongbao and flop when she gave me jellies..alamak..ha

3:47 AM;

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

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morng started out fine...though sleepy but feeling good....
reached the og table...then received sms from 'susie' telling me you forgot to bring her file...i smsed her not to worry...and a whole lot of "thrills" followed...she became so flustered or...mebbe...blown up...can even see it on the sms..really shocked..din even blame her...juz told her not to worry..den she "you dun nid to worry bcos i am the one bringing and tidying and it looks like my fault!..."sent her another telling her i din blame her and tt we 3 ppl can share...then during gp..smsed her asking if i can meet her..tot her phone lag..so din reply...smsed xinying realised she went library...tot i wait 4 her 4 the time being...then realised she came...said hi..she tao me.....really angry..dun understand....though consciously i noe i din do anything wrong..but i feel like i'm guilty..really angry..smsed wee and eve....to try dissipate the anger...aiyoh thx eve ...then said a lot of stuff to the other like glenn and other ppl....said sai...kanasai....shit....even the voodoo doll thing came out..ryan heard and he was shocked...but the wah lau din come out...anyway..complained 2 a lot of ppl..but while saying i felt guilt after saying those..which meant i din mean it but just wanted to find channels to dissipate the anger...anyway...then slacked from 3.30 to 4.30...realised lao zhou din come....stand there like mad woman..realised can see library..kept thinking if she could see me..and gloating.anyway fnally at 4.15pm the junior came...got her no....but she din c the sms..anyway....went with her outside gym to teach her...then kevin told us to go in..oso realised susie came...really happy din go in..bt in the end missing zhongruan...so i went in..bleah..she still so cold..my god....really angry..but i kinda sleepy after stoning anyway 4 ppl sharing a pathetic pu..ha..after co..she left huffily and quickly....biang...dunno what 2 say....anyway rmbered i took a pujia then told her i couldn't open it spoilt then the others oso liddat..then she opened fine.....she left so quickly la....

in the car, was thinking abt it..really dunno what;s wrong..send her 2 emails while waiting 4 co to start "asking her to tell me what;s wrong" and " tt the junior took the pu so most likely we playing the songs so dun worry"..she replied none....

really dunno what 2 do....i described her as a "time bomb"...yeah i really dunno..i really dun feel tt i'm wrong....she dun understand me......i tot she did...dunno...anyway really puzzled....
while waiting 4 co 2 start...did a lot of absurb things...wallked across hte co room corridor like more than 5...waled up and down the stairs at arts centre ...once...sat on the toilet bowl of large cubicle for the longest time, stood in teh shower cubicle 4 a while...really pissed..then stood in front of hte ramp outside gym for quite a long time..this time...i really feel tt i'm wrong..anyway mum says tt it;s cos she thinks she did sth wrong..then put the self-inflictede anger on me..guess she;s rite...experience

anyway today during gp..really sianz.....hid in the corner on the pretext of smsing..act did nothing...every1 had sth to do..my group got sam and shu....dunno lar..today really unlucky..cos i din 'dream' last nite?..this yr really bad start...
rmbered ytd....spilled over the tin containing coffee meant 4 praying at the grass patch..dunno...

then
1. had fever missed the bio test maths 'test'
2. din get chem s paper stuff
......aiyoh

today played ball games..initially din get opportunity to touch..then got the chance....slipped like 3 times..the other times still okay...hit my entire right eye and neck..anyway use "dang" qiu as my "forte"...did tt..then at least sb was asking 4 me to do tt....realli happy ha...k

4:27 AM;